Happy Broken Hearts

Sometimes when I look at social media it gives me the willies. So much ugliness. Mainly, I’m talking about twitter.

Dont get me wrong. There lots of great things too but, the last week has gotten me down. I am taking a twitter break

I feel more aware of the suicides that have occurred since Mali left us. Every time I read of someone completing suicide, it breaks my already broken heart.

I don’t understand why people complete suicide. I don’t have the answers. All I do know is the wake of pain and suffering that affects the family and friends that are left behind.

Going places Mali and I frequented is off the list for me. It hurts too much still. Going in her room is almost impossible. The whole house is her and the sadness in it, is you can cut with a knife.

Someone told me I would find happiness again. I don’t even want to ponder that. Some of you may take that as I am not trying. Everyday getting out of bed is a fight for my life. Happiness left my vocabulary when my little girl died.

I have days where I can smile, tell jokes and put on a really good game face. I have a mask for that. It’s really convincing.

I save that mask for people that don’t get it. I can only give a short amount of time to people who don’t understand what losing your child to suicide means. It’s exhausting and bleeds what little of my soul that is left.

I feel guilt when I smile, I feel guilt for enjoying a meal, I feel guilt over pretty much everything because, all I want is my daughter to be here enjoying those things too.

Since that is never going to happen, I will go on about my business of trying to find my new normal

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