A New Normal

Finding a new normal.  That phrase must be the politically correct phrase to say, get off your ass and move forward.

I don’t know about the rest of you but finding ‘something’ like a new normal, infers it was lost.  Duh right?

I hate to think I lost my daughter. To me it feels like I was a bad parent or irresponsible in taking care of my child because I’ve ‘lost’ them somewhere. I’d like a new non politically correct phrase. Perhaps life change or tolerating a different perspective?

This whole topic started with my going back to work full time today.  Getting back to my routine, getting in the saddle again, pulling myself up by my bootstraps.

The problem with this is, I didn’t say goodbye to my daughter this morning. We didn’t go school shopping or getting her uniforms together because she outgrew them last year. I won’t see her when I get home.  Instead I got an email from the lunch company asking me to fund her lunch account for the coming school year.

I went from full time Mother to empty nester overnight.  My daughter died.  She made a choice and hung herself.  She won’t be needing her lunch fund, thanks.

I know I have repeated this ad nauseum. I even get sick of myself going over the same crap over and over.

I miss you Mali. My heart feels like it will never heal. I guess I’ll just go back to work and try to keep my head above water.  Day 1 – day 120. It makes no difference. I hurt everyday and nothing is going to change that.

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