Guilt

I learned a long time ago guilt was such a useless emotion. Don’t get me wrong, I still experienced it but merely acknowledged it and moved on.

Since Mali left this world I have been consumed by guilt. A lot of it misplaced.  I should have seen the signs, I shouldn’t have been softer when she was so anguished. I should have taken that day off to be with her. I shouldn’t have taken that job that had me traveling so much. I should have home schooled her.

I feel like I let her down and caused her suicide. That is an awfully heavy load to bear. I try to remember she chose to end her life. To no avail, I own that choice even if I know in my head the silliness of that statement, my broken heart directs me differently.

The lonliness that has ensued since has been a vast chasm of emptiness and sorrow. She was my dearest friend and her absence is duly noted.

I spend my time with only her on my mind. I ache to hold my child. Smell her, hold her hand. Laugh with her. She used to sing this crazy little song from the Lion King. I can’t remember it now.

I put many pieces of her favorite clothing in ziploc bags to preserve her smell. It’s all I have. I spend my lunchtime with her at the masoleum.  She always has fresh flowers.  As the days go by I am losing what is left bit by bit.  It is pure torture.

The guilt is so consuming. I ride it out daily.  I miss you duck.  I miss you ducky princess.