The last 7.5 months have been a roller coaster where I alternate between despair and numbness. Mali’s suicide leaves me in a constant state of disbelief. How could she leave me? I am lost without her. Figuring out how to live without her has been an unbearable journey.
Thanksgiving is this week. There is so much to be grateful for. Mostly my family and friends who have supported and carried us through the most difficult obstacle we will ever endure. Everything else pales in comparison. Bills, making money, being on time, dishes, laundry, etc. All the things I used to get uptight about don’t matter anymore.
If I get up in the morning and go about my routine of life, the rest is gravy.
Autopay on our bills is a godsend. The bills wouldn’t t get paid otherwise. Not because I don’t want to pay them or can’t. Merely because I don’t t think about them anymore.
I don’t want to celebrate any holiday this year without my daughter. It makes my heart break all over again. I don’t need anything to add to my sadness I contribute enough to that on my own. I watch her little video clips where she smiles and laughs she talks a little in some of them. Her voicemail is the only thing I have where she tells me she loves me and how she hopes I had a good day. She will see me at home later.
This year as Mali and I always did, we will bring a needy family a thanksgiving dinner. I will buy presents for a 15 year old girl who doesn’t have a mom for Christmas. That will be enough.